


To The Man Who Let Her Go

by WhyDoIWrite



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Baby on the way, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, Gender Reveal, Lesbian Relationship, Portland Thorns, Surprise Linds!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 01:28:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29768616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhyDoIWrite/pseuds/WhyDoIWrite
Summary: But every once in a while, on quiet mornings like this, when her sleeping beauty is so content by her side, she can’t stop thinking of him. Of how this – all of this – could have been his life if he hadn’t let her go.
Relationships: Kelley O'Hara/Lindsey Horan
Comments: 23
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this last week, and then I got distracted by the IG post O'Horan fic. I finished it last night, but felt bad about posting it because it implied there was someone else after Russell. I don't have to feel bad about it after today's IG surprise so.

Kelley watches the slow rise and fall of her chest, steady and content and something she’s certain she will never tire of. This is exactly how she spends most of her mornings now, the dawn slowly lighting up their bedroom and gently rousing her, while Lindsey always manages to stay asleep for a little longer by burying her face in her arm or in Kelley’s neck, or dramatically turning away from the sun that threatens her slumber. Sometimes, Kelley can’t help but stare at her face, mesmerized by the way her lips and eyelids barely flicker as she dreams one last time during that remaining bit of sleep and those dreams start to infiltrate her wakening. Other times, Kelley runs her fingers through her wife’s long, blonde hair because it seems to settle her. Today, she’s fixated on Lindsey’s broad shoulders, and lets her eyes follow the muscular lines down her golden back, that smooth expanse of skin that she loves, left bare after she shucked the covers off sometime in the middle of the night. She lets out this little whimper, the one that Kelley learned long ago means she’s cold, so she cuddles close to the younger woman, throwing her arm and leg over her body. She squirms for a second then settles deeper into the mattress under Kelley’s weight, the soothing warmth easily lulling her back to sleep.

Kelley hopes she’ll stay like this, unbothered by the temperature of the air and the light creeping in through the break in their curtains. She hopes her wife will stay like this for hours, today more than ever, even though she knows she won’t be able to go back to sleep. Most times, she forces herself to calm her nerves, remember that she’s retired and she doesn’t _have_ to get out of bed with the sun, and then she is able to drift off again for a little while. She should be exhausted – she couldn’t sleep last night any more than she can now – but she’d lie here, bored and restless, with this woman all day today if she could. Today she knows it’s hopeless. Today, the nerves will get the best of her.

From this moment forward, every night when they fall asleep will not be like any of their previous nights together. Every morning that comes after this morning will be markedly different. Nothing may physically change for a little while longer, but things will certainly shift before they climb back under the covers again sometime around midnight. So she passes the remaining minutes she gets now replaying all their moments, big and small, those they got right and the ones they got wrong, dreaming about what’s to come for them, fretting over tonight, thanking her lucky stars that this woman is hers.

Because she wasn’t always.

And Kelley still remembers the time when she wasn’t.

* * *

She waited for Lindsey. She waited before she even realized that what she was doing was waiting. In the background, never intruding, not when Lindsey was broken and crying because something he did devastated her. Again. She had good friends – her real friends – to lean on. She didn’t listen to them; she wouldn’t have listened to Kelley, either. That’s the thing about making difficult decisions: they don’t last until you’re ready. For change. To commit, to yourself most of all. It wasn’t Kelley’s place; it wasn’t anyone’s, really.

So she waited.

The next man was good to her, Kelley knew because she knew him. And because suddenly, Lindsey’s smile was real and her eyes shined again. She was happy, and after everything that Kelley had watched her go through, Kelley was happy for her.

As Lindsey’s friends jetted off to go play in Europe and Alex was focused on Charlie and he eventually moved across the Atlantic too, as they grew closer because they were left with each other, Kelley realized there was something else there. Something unnerving in the pit of her stomach when Lindsey was around. It wasn’t just her; something was different with Lindsey, too. Bigger smiles. Brighter eyes. Yes, he made her happy, happier than the man before him had, but there was an extra level to Lindsey’s joy when Kelley was around.

Unbridled was the way Rose described it once when she was thinking it to herself and accidently spoke the words aloud.

Kelley ignored that. It was Rose. Rose said shit all the time. For a long time, she told herself she was imagining it. For a long time, she denied even the possibility of a crush.

Until Alex called her out.

Until Sonnett just had to point out how utterly giddy and relaxed Lindsey was in Kelley’s presence.

Until their two best friends looked them dead in the eyes and told them to get a room and they were only half joking.

They laughed it off. Well, Kelley did, because what else was she supposed to do? Lindsey looked at her for a beat too long, turned bright red, and looked away, scuffing her toe on the lawn. They dropped it.

So Kelley waited some more. Until the distance between Lindsey and her boyfriend became too much, for him mostly. When he wanted her to go overseas and she countered with “why don’t you come back?” Neither would bend, so they broke. And Kelley was there, waiting with open arms and the patience of a spider while Lindsey first coped with the end of her relationship, and then acknowledged the feelings she had repressed.

She doesn’t think about him much anymore. Not like she used to when what they had was new and she was worried he’d want her back. He did, eventually. It was just a matter of time before he understood what he had done and realized that “the distance is too hard,” wasn’t worth losing her, wasn’t worth the “let’s see other people,” line he tossed her way. When he called her to apologize a few months later, Kelley was there, in Lindsey's condo, before a game. When she hung up the phone after saying very little, Kelley felt like she was having a heart attack the pain in her chest was so sharp. Lindsey just sat back down on the sofa and tucked Kelley into her side, eyes flicking briefly to her before they refocused on the TV, like nothing had even happened. Kelley stayed there, still as a statue and barely breathing until she thought her chest might explode. When she finally asked if Lindsey was leaving her to go back to him, Lindsey had looked at her, an expression of utter confusion on her face.

“Baby,” she muted the TV before turning to take her girlfriend’s hands in hers, “I love you, you know that. You didn’t really think that I…” her voice trailed off as hot tears streamed down Kelley’s face. “Oh, Kell,” Lindsey cupped the smaller woman’s face in her hands and wiped as many of the tears away with her thumbs as she could. “Baby, he wanted to date other people because I wouldn’t give up my team to move and be with him. And it took _that_ , who knows how many women, for him to realize that he had, quote, lost the best thing that ever happened to him. I never doubt that I’m the most important person in your life. Not when we’re together and not when you’re on the other side of the country. Not when I've got you flying out here every chance you get and I don’t even have to ask. You’ve never expected me to give anything up. All you’ve done is push me towards my dreams. Why would I want him when I already have you?”

Kelley _knew_ then. Despite all the times she had told first her grandmother and later her mother that she’d never get married, she knew that she would stand at the alter and promise those sacred vows to this this woman if that’s what she had to do to make sure she wasn’t the one who got away.

She would never make the same mistakes that he did – that they did. She wouldn’t hurt her. She would never be the cause of Lindsey’s tears. She would heal the wounds they had inflicted and help her find herself again, fix everything that they had done that might have knocked her slightly off-course somewhere along the way. She would be there for her, however she needed, wherever she needed.

Even if that meant at least for now, her retirement would be spent in the rainy PNW, not sunny Georgia, where red dust coated her windshield every May and the comfort of a church could be found on every corner. That had been home. Portland would be home for as long as Lindsey wanted it to be. 

She never really thought about him – about either of them – much after that morning on Lindsey’s couch. She thought about him the night she was going to propose, walking up Burnside after dinner, hoping her sweaty hand wasn’t giving it away, and hoping that Becky had had enough time to turn Lindsey’s apartment into the perfectly magical image Kelley had in her head. She thought about him when she woke up alone on the morning of their wedding, not a hint of butterflies in her stomach because she was more sure about this than she had been about anything in her life ever. She thought about him for a split second when they decided to start the IUI process, and yeah, the nerves were back in full force then, but not because she wasn’t positive they were ready, just because it can take so many tries sometimes and she didn’t want to wait any longer than 9 months to start a family with this woman. Whatever nerves were there, they were good kind that afternoon as they sat in the doctor’s office holding hands.

Those are the only kind of nerves she’s had in Lindsey’s presence for years now. Sure, they argue sometimes; it’s inevitable, really, with Kelley’s stubbornness and Lindsey’s fiery personality. But she’s never once thought of walking away, and she can’t bear the thought of watching Lindsey leave. If anything has motivated her over the years, to be better, to compromise, to love with everything she has and hold nothing back, it’s that image, of Lindsey's back. Of the sound of footsteps headed down a long corridor never to return. Of the pain of her own heart breaking if this woman ever left.

* * *

But every once in a while, on quiet mornings like this, when her sleeping beauty is so content by her side, she can’t stop thinking of him. Of how this – all of this – could have been _his_ life if he hadn’t let her go.

She got lucky that he realized too late what he had lost. He should have known then. He should have known the second the words were out of his mouth. No, sooner, Kelley thinks. The whole time he had her should have been more than enough to convince him that she was worth every mile between them, every night spent apart, every celebration missed. She should have meant the world to him. She should have _been_ his world.

She’s lucky he was a fool, that the one before him was, too. She’s lucky she got that window of time to show Lindsey how she felt. His loss has been her greatest gain, greater than any gold medal or trophy. Those are in a box in her closet; Lindsey is in her arms. Hers to have and hold, and she is Lindsey’s.

Sometimes, she thinks she should pick up the phone and call him. Text him. Send him an email. Find a way to thank him. He’s the reason that this is her life. The best life. A life she never dreamed could be hers. But she doesn’t want to appear to be gloating, to be an asshole, and she knows that’s how it would come off no matter how completely genuine she would be if she got the chance to thank him. But that’s irrational. So since she can’t thank him, she thanks Him instead, for whatever role He played in the events of their lives that led Lindsey to her and her to Lindsey. She thanks Him every night as Lindsey drifts off to sleep. She thanks Him every morning, usually before Lindsey opens those grey-green eyes. But sometimes, she gets so lost in looking at her wife as she sleeps that she doesn’t get to it until they’re brushing their teeth or Lindsey’s sitting on the balcony sipping coffee. But she always makes sure that He knows just how thankful she is.

And this morning, she’s more thankful than she’s ever been.

More thankful than she was when she leaned in and kissed her the first time and didn’t get pushed away. She fucking thought she would – she was sure of it – but Lindsey kissed her back.

More thankful than when Lindsey said yes before she even finished asking. She didn’t think she’d get a “yes,” more like a “not yet,” if she was lucky.

More thankful than when the words “I do,” were spoken from those sweet, trembly lips as they both fought off tears.

And today, she has something extra to be thankful for: the life growing inside her. A baby. _Their_ baby.

They tried so many times that even if Lindsey knew Kelley had gone to that last appointment, she probably wouldn’t have remembered when it was time for her to take a pregnancy test. All the dates, the needles, the temperature tracking, appointments, peeing on sticks… after months and months, it all ran together. It hadn’t worked, hadn’t taken. They talked about needing a break for a few months, for their own sanity and for timing purposes with Lindsey’s schedule. They talked about IVF. But Kelley wasn’t getting any younger. Waiting wasn’t her game. Lindsey went away for a tournament; Kelley knew she’d be ovulating. She ordered one more tank to be shipped to their doctor’s office.

She knows that when Lindsey realizes it, that the one appointment she didn’t go to, didn’t even know was on the calendar, is the one appointment when Kelley got pregnant, she’s going to be pissed, but she’ll get over it. Just like she’ll get over the fact that Kelley didn’t tell her about the positive pregnancy test. She couldn’t. After so many failures, something neither of them were used to, when it was time to take that pregnancy test, she couldn’t bear to put Lindsey through another negative. Then, once it was positive, she couldn’t bear the thought of something going wrong, of Lindsey experiencing all this joy only to have it taken away. She didn’t trust it. Didn’t trust her age. Didn’t trust her own body. So she waited as long as she could, until it was relatively safe and she was on the verge of showing.

And now she’s here. Fifteen weeks pregnant, hiding it under Lindsey’s oversized hoodies and using all the mental fortitude she gained as an athlete to try to bite back against the morning sickness. Here she is, fifteen weeks pregnant, cuddled up to her unsuspecting wife, living her best life, and all she has left to do is tell her. That should be the easy part.

She’s cherished all the time she’s known that Lindsey hasn’t, for the simple fact that she knows as soon as Lindsey knows, everything will change. Lindsey will fuss over her, worry about her. It’s just who she is. She’ll not want Kelley lifting or running, she’ll probably freak out about Kelley carrying groceries up to their condo and make her use a delivery service, and Kelley hates delivery services. They always get something wrong. She’ll tell Kelley she needs to get off her feet and she'll try to cook, probably set off the fire alarm. But most of all, as soon as Lindsey knows, she’ll try to stop Kelley from doing all the little things that Kelley thinks make their marriage. That’s the part she’s not ready for. She can run when Lindsey’s training, get their OBGYN to convince her wife that she can still fly and still carry in the groceries. But she won’t be able to stop their dynamic from shifting – maybe not forever – but for now, at least. And that… that’s hard for her, because she has built this relationship, her life, around taking care of this woman, in all the ways, big and small. She knows what it’s like to be loved, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have someone show it through acts of service. She doesn’t need it. Doesn’t want it, because the mere thought of letting Lindsey take care of her feels like it will diminish her own role.

But it goes beyond that, to the fact that soon, Lindsey won’t be the most important person in her life. There will be a baby girl or a baby boy in their arms who will take precedent. Who will become their number one. Who will be the one Kelley would give her life for if she were ever forced to choose. She can split her heart in two, or maybe it will just double in size when there’s someone else to love, she’s not quite sure how that works yet. But before she knows it, there’s going to be a little person in this world who she will love even more than she loves her wife. More love is more potential for pain. More fear. More to worry about. Another person to protect. That’s what scares her the most.

But it’s too late now, to be scared or to back out of telling her. She’s hidden it for long enough, turning the lights off before undressing, blaming the lack of definition across her stomach on the increased consumption of Salt & Straw that she ventures out for despite Lindsey’s raised eyebrow. Besides, the plans have been laid and by the end of the night, Lindsey’s going to know that in the blink of an eye, she’ll be a mother. That she already is, truly. And by the end of the night, they’ll both know if they’re having a boy or a girl.

She feels Lindsey begin to stir under her again, and this time she knows it’s for real. She props herself up on her elbow, just in time to catch her eyes fluttering open. “Mornin’, gorgeous,” she whispers against Lindsey’s lips.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You got three thousands words last time, and only three words of dialogue. Today, you get 6000 words of pretty much nothing but dialogue. I'm sorry I don't know how to balance things properly.

“It’s going to be ok,” Becky squeezes Kelley’s hand from her seat beside her in the Thorns box. “We took care of everything. All you have to do is go wait for her in the tunnel after the game.”

Kelley runs a hand through her hair nervously. Becky makes it sound so easy, like that’s _all_ she has to do. But she has to tell her wife she’s been keeping the most important secret ever from her. And besides the obvious – that Lindsey’s going to be all kinds of pissed – there are her own nerves at play here. She’s had months to think about it, if she wants a boy or a girl or if it even matters. She’s worried over whether or not the two of them could do a good enough job of raising a boy. They both have brothers, but they don’t see either of them often. She’s worried about raising a girl if that girl is anything like either of them were as teens. She’s worried even though she has no control over it at all because worrying is what she does and has always done. “And you’re sure I’m not having twins?” Kelley turns away from the game to look at her former teammate, forehead creased in a way that makes Becky realize she genuinely thinks it could be a possibility.

Becky can’t help but laugh at her friend who laid back on the table in the office and saw the same thing she did: only one baby on the screen. “Positive.”

“And you’re sure you don’t want to tell me if it’s a boy or a girl?”

Becky raises an eyebrow at her. “You said you wanted to share something with her. Stop asking.”

Kelley lets out a huff and turns back to the game. She told Becky, and only Becky, for this reason exactly. She’s the only person who could keep Kelley’s secret from even Kelley herself; anyone else would have given in to Kelley’s near-daily begging by now. “Thanks, Rebecca,” she mumbles, still clinging desperately to her hand. When she got this ill-conceived idea stuck in her head, to try one more insemination without Lindsey’s knowledge, she didn’t realize then how much she’d rely on Becky over the next few months. More than just to take that envelope from her OBGYN and plan a gender reveal. Beyond making sure Sophia knew enough to get the team, staff, and photographer to stay after the game tonight without letting Lindsey get wind of anything, but not enough to let her know why. Beyond convincing Sonnett she needed to get her ass out of the visitor’s locker room ASAP, without telling her why. If Kelley had been in charge of that, Sonnett would have known what was going on for sure. Kelley would have been unable to deflect Sonnett’s persistent questions, but when she got annoying, the retired defender just hung up on her. Becky was the only one she could drag with her to her appointments, conveniently scheduled during Lindsey’s roadtrips or training sessions. Every doctor’s visit seemed like an opportunity for bad news, and Kelley didn’t want to chance handling it alone any more than she wanted to handle the knowledge that a life was growing inside her alone. Having Becky around has been lifesaving, especially over the past few days as she's second-guessed her decision.

* * *

“She'd probably prefer me tell her in private,” Kelley said when they met for lunch yesterday. “What if this is a mistake, Reeba?”

She could almost hear Becky rolling her eyes even though she turned to look out the window so Kelley wouldn’t see her. “Tell her in private and you risk getting murdered at this point,” Becky joked, kicking Kelley’s shin under the table. “She can’t off you with all the witnesses you’re gonna have.”

“She wouldn’t dare kill the mother of her child.”

“Have you met the woman?” Becky asked incredulously. “Honestly, I’m surprised you’re still alive.” Kelley scoffed as she stared longingly at Becky’s coffee. “Really though, how does she not know already, Kell?”

“I’m not showing yet, what the fuck?”

“You seem to have given up coffee. That should’ve been a dead giveaway. Does she even know you? Are you two even married?”

“I have a cup at home every morning that she’s there. Doctor said it’s fine.”

“Mmm,” Becky raised her eyebrows. “Never thought I’d see the day when Kelley O’Hara would be able to cut down her coffee consumption so dramatically. You’re lucky she’s in season right now. You’d never be able to give up alcohol without arousing everyone’s suspicions otherwise.”

* * *

“She’s playing well,” Becky points out, trying to distract Kelley with soccer.

“Hmm? Yeah, she is,” Kelley turns back to the game. Lindsey’s been on a tear for club lately, one that Kelley hopes carries over to her performance for country soon. She thought retiring would be near impossible for her to handle, that something like tonight, watching Lindsey still get to play, would be too much; surprisingly, it wasn’t. Retirement is what allowed them to live in the same place, finally. It let her propose, let her live an almost normal life. It’s a life she never knew she wanted, but now that she’s living it, she wouldn’t give it up for anything. Especially not for soccer. And retirement is what is letting them start a family. She misses the camaraderie of being part of a team, but she doesn’t miss the sport. Between kicking the ball around with some of the Timbers – well not anymore, but she used to – and watching her wife play, she gets more than enough of it still. And she has a whole different level of pride watching Lindsey than she ever felt herself playing. She would never admit it to anyone else, but it’s better, almost. “What the fuck, ref?!?” Kelley shoots up out of her seat as Lindsey is taken out on a corner.

“Hey, Mama, she’s not going to let you come to her games if you keep getting all worked up like that.”

“Mommy,” Kelley corrects, her eyes still glued to Lindsey as she slowly pushes herself up off the turf.

“What difference does it make?”

“The baby will be able to say Mama before Mommy, and I feel like Lindsey’s going to need that, you know? Like I’m going to have breastfeeding and all this time home while she’s off playing. I just want to give her something to make sure she knows she’s special. Our baby’s first word will be her name.”

“It’s like I don’t even know you anymore,” Becky mutters, shaking her head at how soft Kelley has become. “Is this like pregnant you? Or what is this?”

“This is in love me,” Kelley turns to her friend, beaming, and Becky really can’t argue with that.

Kelley paces nervously outside the door of the Thorns changing room. Some of Lindsey’s teammates have filed out past her, given her quizzical looks and hugs on the way back to the field, but Sophia seems to have done a good enough job of telling them that whatever is happening tonight is a secret. No one’s asked her anything, except for Sonnett, who has sent her multiple texts demanding to know why she’s sitting on the turf at Providence Park right now instead of getting ready to go out. All Kelley’s sent back is “You’re not going anywhere because Becky told you to stay and you still do whatever she tells you to,” but she certainly isn’t going to give her an actual answer, not when she’s so close to successfully pulling this off.

“Hey!” Lindsey’s voice, hoarse from all the yelling she’s done during the game, makes her jump. “What are still you doing here?”

Kelley never waits for her after games, always opting to walk back home, make Lindsey a smoothie or reheat some leftovers for her, light some candles so she can relax. “I, um…” She realizes she doesn’t know what to say. She didn’t plan for this part, this transition between dressing room and field. Teammates keep filing out and walking down the hallway, and Lindsey’s left there staring at her without getting an explanation. “Good game,” Kelley mumbles, leaning up to give her a peck on the cheek.

Lindsey snorts. “We tied.”

“But you played well,” Kelley points out. “You scored. And oh my God, that ref!”

“Yeah, seriously,” Lindsey throws her arm over Kelley’s shoulder, appreciative of the support. She twirls the rose she still has in her hand close to Kelley’s nose for her to smell. “You gonna let me drive you home?”

Kelley rolls her eyes at that, at how it takes Lindsey longer to walk to her car in their parking garage, drive to the stadium, and park than it would for her to just walk here. “No, um,” she grabs Lindsey’s hand and leads her the opposite way, back to the tunnel, “not yet. There’s something we have to do first.”

Lindsey follows her away from the exit, hesitant, but curious. “Something we have to do first?” she questions as they get closer to the end of the tunnel.

“Something I have to tell you.”

“On a soccer field?”

And then Lindsey sees it. All of her teammates, coaches, everyone gathered there around the corner flag, milling about and chatting. They all quiet down when they see the pair.

“Took you long enough, damn,” she hears Sonnett complain from somewhere in the crowd.

“Kell, what is this?” Lindsey squeezes her hand tighter, nerves taking over because it feels like everyone’s in on something except for her. She didn’t hit a milestone today, not in caps or goals. Maybe assists, she thinks. She hasn’t always been the best at keeping track of those, but it’s no where near impressive enough for all this; they would have just said something to her after the game or in the dressing room.

Kelley just looks at her kind of sheepishly, and just like she does sometimes in the morning, she gets wrapped up in Lindsey’s eyes under the lights. Those eyes make her lose the little bit of nerve she had built up over the course of the game.

Becky saves her. “You can do it Kell,” she says encouragingly. 

“I swear to God, if you ask me to marry you again…” Lindsey starts.

“I’m not-”

“You know how I feel about people renewing their vows. It’s stupid. That better not be what this is,” Lindsey cranes her neck like she’s looking amongst her friends for a priest.

“It’s not!”

“Then what?”

“Linds,” Kelley says softly, leading her wife out onto the field. “I…” she stops near the top of the 18, turns, and takes both of Lindsey’s hands in hers, rubbing her thumbs over Lindsey’s skin more to calm herself than anything else. “I- I- don’t be mad, ok?” But before she even gets an answer, she blurts out the words she’s been hanging on to. “I’m pregnant.”

It takes Lindsey almost a full thirty seconds to process what she’s heard. The world stops. It feels like it’s just the two of them under glaring stadium lights and none of it makes sense. The last test they took was negative. They decided to stop trying for a little bit.

“I know,” Kelley reads her mind, giggling apprehensively at how pale Lindsey has become. “I know we were going to take a break, but I… I just wanted to try one more time.”

“Without me?” Lindsey’s voice is strained.

Kelley can’t tell if she’s mad or shocked or thrilled or a combination of all of the emotions. For someone who unable to hide what she’s feeling – ever – Lindsey’s face is unreadable now. “You- you- you weren’t here, and I thought it probably wouldn’t work again. But… surprise?” she offers a nervous, toothy smile.

“You’re really pregnant?” Lindsey chokes out.

“Mmhmm.”

“Like for real, for real?” she asks, tears filling her eyes.

Kelley puts Lindsey’s hand on her belly. “Our baby’s in here. Safe and healthy and-”

“I fucking love you so much,” Lindsey cuts her off with a kiss that draws whistles and applause from the group gathered down on the field. “I hate you,” she stops long enough to say, but not long enough to separate their lips, “But I fucking love you so, so much.”

“I love you, too,” Kelley hangs onto Lindsey’s neck, reveling in her smile for a moment longer. “So, do you want to know if we’re having a boy or a girl?” she asks with an playful grin.

“You know already?”

“No, but we can find out right now if you’re ready to. Together.”

Lindsey looks at her, completely confused. “How far along are you?”

“Far enough along for the doctor to tell?”

“Kelley…”

“Fifteen weeks.”

“Kelley!”

“I needed to be sure nothing bad was going to happen,” Kelley explains.

“I swear to God-”

“You can yell about it later. Do you want to know what we’re having or not, because all these people are waiting. And I want to know.”

Becky clears her throat from behind them, and when they turn around, she dumps out a bag of balls. “Ladies, those balloons tied to the crossbar contain the answer to your most important question.” Lindsey looks up and finally notices the red and black balloons lining the goal. “First one to break a balloon wins. But I guess you both win. We all win, actually, because I think everyone here is dying to know what you’re having.”

“This is what you meant when you said ‘Leave it to me?’” Kelley laughs, the trembling of nerves all but gone from her body. She knew Becky had insisted on something soccer-y, but she wasn't sure what. “A crossbar challenge?”

“I figured since you two are so stupidly competitive, it would work just fine.”

“What does the winner get?” Lindsey asks Becky, excitement filling her voice already.

“Not my area of expertise. You two can figure that out.”

“Winner picks the middle name?” Lindsey turns to Kelley, a glint in her eye.

Of course her wife is up for a little competition, and, well, Kelley has to give it to Becky; Lindsey’s forgotten all about being mad, for the time being at least. “What the fuck, that’s not fair, you’re in form. And I’m retired.”

“You kept this from me for months. You seriously have no room to talk. You’re lucky I’m even giving you a chance to have a say in anything.”

Kelley doesn’t give her the opportunity to think about that any further because Lindsey’s right, and because she knows if she pushes it, the child’s first name is going to be on the table soon. Instead, she takes advantage of Lindsey’s griping to get a head start. “Go!” she shouts, immediately retrieving a ball from behind Becky, and firing off a shot. It misses the crossbar by mere inches. So does the next.

Kelley’s still good, but it only takes Lindsey three shots to hit a red balloon, and when she does, powder explodes everywhere, filling the air above the goal with a hazy blue smoke.

“We’re having a boy!” Kelley shouts, leaping into Lindsey’s arms before the color and its meaning has even registered in her wife’s brain.

“Oh my God, you can’t be jumping like that, baby,” Lindsey cautions her, but she’s laughing alongside Kelley, and she can’t help but spin the smaller woman around once she steadies herself. “We’re having a boy,” she whispers as Kelley leans down to kiss her, and then pulls away to wipe the tears off Lindsey’s cheeks.

“We’re having a boy!” Kelley fist pumps to all their friends, as if they didn’t just see the same damn thing she did.

 _A baby boy_. To wrestle and bounce on the bed. To splash in puddles and dig for worms. To teach about using gentle hands and gentler words, and that he can smell the pretty flowers, but not pick them because they provide food for butterflies and bees. _He_ has entrusted them with the most difficult task, the greatest responsibility, of teaching a little boy how to be respectful and kind, humble and patient. They will be responsible for his grit and courage as much as for his compassion and vulnerability. They will be the ones who foster his sense of curiosity and his sense of self. He’s only the size of a pear right now, but he represents all of their hope for the future, everything good about them both. And suddenly, in Lindsey’s arms, all the doubts she had about the two of them being able to raise a boy are gone. They’re enough. This is their life and he is their baby and the three of them are going to be just fine.

Sonnett’s the first one over to them, and luckily, Lindsey’s got Kelley back on her feet before the wild-eyed defender gets there, because the force of her hug would have knocked them all over if Lindsey had still been unbalanced. And Lindsey would have most certainly killed her; best friend status loses a lot of its power when you’ve got a pregnant wife to protect. “Guess this is why your wife wouldn’t agree to all of us hanging out,” Sonnett says to Lindsey as she punches Kelley’s arm. Lindsey scowls at her, pulling her wife closer to her side. “I’m sure you two are gonna wanna go home and celebrate tonight,” she wiggles her eyebrows, “but you’re not getting out of breakfast with me in the morning.”

*****

“You really did all that,” Lindsey whispers, still in awe as she wraps Kelley up from behind as soon as they’re back in their condo.

“Well, it was Becky, mostly. And Soph. Soph didn’t know why, only Becky,” Kelley rushes to explain so Lindsey won’t think that a bunch of people knew before she did. “But I thought you’d be mad, so I had to soften the blow. So… um… how mad are you?”

“You know me, babe.” Lindsey sways with her.

“Exactly,” Kelley turns and looks up at her, concern filling her eyes.

“I guess I’m most upset that you thought if something went wrong, you should have to face it alone to spare me,” Lindsey says slowly, dropping to her knees and running her hands over Kelley’s stomach. “Hey little guy,” she says, too loudly and in the same voice she talks to Fergy, which causes Kelley to laugh. She lifts Kelley’s shirt up and drops a kiss on the almost unnoticeable bump before looking up at her. “I don’t ever want you thinking that. Whatever we have to get through, we get through it together. Ok? We’re a team.”

“I know,” Kelley mumbles, twisting her fingers. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to put you through bad news again. Especially during your season.” Lindsey just shakes her head in this way that makes Kelley realize, for the first time with complete certainty, that there’s something in Lindsey’s life more important than soccer. She can’t help but feel a little embarrassed that she thought she needed to shelter this woman from something that is part of her life, both of their lives.

“And,” Lindsey stands and tips Kelley’s chin up, “I feel like I should have been taking care of you. Spoiling you. You’ve been doing too much,” she nuzzles along Kelley’s jaw for a second before looking into her eyes. “I guess maybe it hurts a little because I’ve missed out,” her voice takes on more of a sad tone, the concern fading away for the moment.

“You have another five months,” Kelley reassures her. “These were the boring months anyway. You literally missed morning sickness. That's it.”

“Yeah, I know, but I’ve missed out on talking to him for four.”

“Baby,” Kelley rests her hand on Lindsey’s heart, “he’s heard your voice every day. Even when you weren’t here, I put you on speaker every time you called. There hasn’t been a day that he hasn’t heard your voice. He knows you already. I bet when he starts kicking, he’ll kick when he hears your voice, Mama.”

“He hasn’t kicked yet?”

“Well he’s been bouncing around all over the place, I just haven’t felt it yet. Might be a few more weeks. See? You didn’t miss that!”

“Fine,” Lindsey sniffles, “but you better tell me as soon as you feel him move. I’m not going to miss that. And I’m gonna talk to him every night and you’re just gonna have to deal because I have a lot of things to say. And Son said I have to read to him. And sing to him. She said it’s important. She said she did with their daughter.”

“Ok, but you can’t really… you know… sing,” Kelley teases, tickling her wife and Lindsey pulls her down onto the sofa and into her lap.

“Shut it,” she kisses Kelley softly. “You can’t either. And he won’t judge me like you do.”

“But my ears,” Kelley whines before breaking out into another fit of laughter that doesn’t subside until Lindsey’s kissing her again. “So you’re not really mad?”

“How can I be? You did what you do best. Over-the-top surprises. You made tonight amazing. And more importantly you made sure everyone was here. I don’t know how you timed it so that Sonnett could be here, but-”

“Well I could’ve told you like a week ago, but then-”

“I don’t want to hear it,” Lindsey silences her with a finger to her lips. “So, do you have, you know… those photos?”

“I’ll do you one better.” Kelley pushes herself off of Lindsey’s lap and fetches her Macbook and an envelope. She snuggles under Lindsey’s arm and powers it on, opening a non-descript folder labeled “Soccer.” Inside is another folder labeled “Baby Horan.”

“Kell…” Lindsey’s voice cracks as the tears threaten to spill onto her cheeks all over again.

“Might’ve gone down to the courthouse and gotten my last name changed one of those times you were,” Kelley waves her hand in the air dismissively to make it seem like it’s not a big deal even though it is, “away for a game or something.”

“I don’t think I can handle any more surprises tonight,” Lindsey wipes her eyes. “Tell me that’s it. God, you really didn’t want me to be mad at you, huh?”

“It wasn’t about that. I wasn’t thinking about you being mad when I went to do it. Just thought we should all have the same last name, you know? Make it easier for school and stuff. And you’re like, kinda a big deal so,” she shrugs, hoping Lindsey will leave it at that.

She doesn’t. “But you fought it for years. You said-”

“Yeah, well. We weren’t a family then. We were us and we were married, but it didn’t matter then. It matters now, that we’re one unit. Matters more than my name matters. And I don’t want anybody ever thinking he’s not as much yours as he is mine.”

“I love you, Kell.”

“Yeah, ok, stop it. You’re gonna make me cry and I don’t want to be all weepy like you,” Kelley looks up at the ceiling and groans as she tries to keep the tears away. “Anyway, I made them record of all the appointments. There’s these,” she hands Lindsey an envelope with the sonogram photos, “and this,” she presses play on the first file. “So this was the first one, at 6 weeks.”

“Oh my god! _That_ little thing?”

“Yep, that’s our baby,” Kelley says proudly. “Do you see the fluttering? That’s his heartbeat. A strong 107 beats per minute.” Kelley closes that file and opens another. “This is 8 weeks.”

“You can see his head now! And look at that belly.”

“Yep. That’s when he felt real to me,” Kelley clears her throat as she remembers that moment, how badly she wanted Lindsey there holding her hand. “This one was at 12 weeks.”

“His foot! Look how big it is! He’s gonna be a soccer player! Oh my God, Kell!”

Kelley looks up to see happy tears streaming down Lindsey’s face and she knows this is just the beginning for Lindsey, who’s such a softie even though she tries to hide it. There are going to be plenty of frustrated tears over sleepless nights and leaky diapers, temper tantrums and missed milestones, but there will also be a million happy tears. His first steps and first words, first time kicking a ball and first day of school. The first time they hear him cry and see his face. It won’t be long now. They have a lifetime of happiness to look forward to. “So you’re seeing everything I got to see. Do you want to see the last one? I haven’t seen it. I didn’t watch. I was afraid I’d see a penis or not see a penis and I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. I wanted to find out with you.” Kelley pulls up the file from her last appointment.

“His femur! Look at him bouncing around, baby! Look at that. He’s gonna be so tall. And so stwong!”

“Well he better wait until after he’s out of me to really grow. I can’t be birthing some Horan-sized baby. I’m tiny!”

“You’re gonna be a rockstar, Kell. I just know it. You’re so stwong, too!”

“Yeah, whatever. Look at his head. I don’t know. I’m already worried.”

Lindsey chuckles lightly and gives Kelley a kiss on her forehead. “He’s got your big brain is what that is. Oh my God, is that his-” They stare for a second in silence watching the screen together, and then he flips. “Oop, nope, just his foot! So I don’t see anything…”

“Yeah, I have no idea how they know,” Kelley snorts. “But then again, I’m not exactly an expert in boy parts.”

“You’re about to be,” Lindsey pokes her. “He’s got your nose,” she says, softly booping Kelley’s. “He’s gonna look just like you.”

“Yeah? You think?”

“I hope so! You are,” Lindsey kisses her deeply, “the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

“Yeah, but… we’re having a boy.”

“A boy with these cheekbones. This chin," Lindsey traces her features lightly. "He’s gonna be the most beautiful baby ever.”

“Ok,” Kelley pulls away, blushing. “You finish looking at these and I’m gonna run a bath for you.”

“No!” Lindsey pops up off the couch. “I can do it.”

_And so it begins._

“Linds. I can turn a fucking faucet on,” Kelley rolls her eyes and pushes her wife back down on the couch. “Look at the photos.”

“What if I skip it tonight and we look at them together?” Lindsey takes her hand, trying hard to convince her.

It doesn’t work. Kelley’s a drill sergeant when it comes to Lindsey’s recovery. Ice bath at the stadium because the trainers require it, but Kelley knows enough to know that relying on cold therapy alone isn’t enough. Lindsey’s post-game, and sometimes post-training, recovery now includes a hot bath to get the blood flowing again, followed by a massage. “You’re too old to skip steps,” she says with a look.

“Ok, A, I’m not old, so fuck you.”

“Is that any way to talk to the mother of your child?” Kelley interrupts.

Lindsey ignores her. “And two, you’re not giving me a massage.”

“Because being pregnant affects my hands? We’re not doing this,” Kelley calls over her shoulder as she heads down the hallway towards their bathroom. A few minutes later, she hears Lindsey padding on the hardwood like she always does once she realizes the sound of running water has stopped. She finds Kelley sitting on the counter in their steamy bathroom. “Come here,” she beckons with one finger. Lindsey stops between her legs. Kelley loves being eye-level with her wife, where she can press their foreheads together instead of tucking in under Lindsey’s chin, where she can cup her face with her hands and stare straight into her green eyes. She sees all of her own happiness reflected in those eyes, and their clarity makes her forget any mistake she ever made before Lindsey. Normally, she’d lift Lindsey’s hoodie over her head, but tonight, she lifts her arms, urging the blonde to take her Horan jersey off.

“What?” Lindsey slides her hands up Kelley’s thighs, ignoring the silent request.

“There’s room for two.”

“You can’t get in there!”

“And why not? Do you think I’m going to cook our baby?” Kelley’s hands flop back down.

“Well I don’t know. Maybe?”

“Are you really trying to tell me,” Kelley uses her best seductive voice, “that you don’t want to relax is a nice, warm bath with your wife tonight?” Lindsey stares at her for a beat, wide-eyed, not knowing what the correct answer is. Kelley nudges her leg with her foot so she’ll see the ducky floating in the tub. “Thermometer. Figured we’d need it anyway for bath time.”

“But you put lavender in the bath,” Lindsey protests.

“Safe in the second trimester. We’re not gonna do this for the next five months.”

“We’re not gonna do what?”

“This! You worrying incessantly about me.”

“But-”

“But nothing. I’m the worrier. I need you to be the calm one for both of us or I’ll go crazy. You have to, Linds. Or I’m replacing you with Becky in the delivery room. One of us has to be the non-worrier, non-panicky, level-headed mom, and we both know it can’t be me, and if you start worrying about all the things, then I’m going to worry about even more things.”

“Clearly. You’ve already googled a bunch of shit.”

“At least I know now you don’t check my browser history or this whole thing wouldn’t have been a surprise.”

Lindsey rolls her eyes, but lifts the jersey over Kelley’s head, and tosses it into the hamper, followed by her own hoodie.

“I already googled sex stuff, too," Kelley grins.

“Did you?”

“I did. And I asked the doctor because I know you’re going to try to tell me we can’t have sex while I’m pregnant even though we’ve been having sex the whole time I’ve been pregnant. Come on,” Kelley hops off the counter and slides her jeans down, “take a bath with me.”

Lindsey softly strokes her hand across Kelley’s stomach. The water cooled off enough for her to quit worrying long ago, but she has no intention of ruining this perfect moment. She can’t help but marvel at the fact that there is a life, an actual heart, beating inside her wife’s growing belly. _This_. This is what she wants her nights to be, her life to be. Holding her wife against her chest. Eventually holding their baby against her chest. This thing she does for a couple hours a day, that turf that scars her and the ball that she’s had at her feet since she was three, they're not her life. The woman half-asleep against her, but still stroking her calf, and the baby she’s carrying, they’re her life now. They’re all she needs in the world. She doesn’t think about it before the words make their way out into the world, but then again, she’s never really been one to plan before doing. “I’m gonna tell Merritt I’m retiring at the end of the season, and US Soccer at the end of the year,” Lindsey says quietly. But the moment of relaxation she’s been enjoying ends the second Kelley hears that word. She pops up and manages to turn all the way around in the tub, water sloshing over the edge in her haste, to face Lindsey.

“Lindsey Horan, you will do no such thing!”

“I want to be home with you guys. All the time. To take care of you. And I don’t want to miss anything.”

“We’ll come on the road with you if we have to, but you. Are. Not. Retiring,” Kelley says definitively.

“You’re gonna come to all my away games? You don’t even do that now.”

“Well I will if that’s what it takes to keep you from retiring. Our baby will be the best little flier ever by the time he’s a toddler. But I am not growing this thing inside me for nine months and getting stretch marks and enduring morning sickness for you to quit before he gets to wear a Horan jersey to your games.”

Lindsey bursts out in a fit of giggles. “Seriously?” she asks, barely able to catch her breath.

“Dead serious.”

“This is about a jersey?”

“It’s about a jersey, and him seeing you play, and letting him run around on the field after games, and raising him around a bunch of badass women. You’ve gotta put in at least another three years. No, four probably.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Um, yeah. This isn’t even up for discussion. I’m birthing a whole child. You’re not quitting soccer.”

*****

“What are we doing?” Kelley laughs as Lindsey pulls her into the flower shop on the way back home after brunch with Sonny. She was able to convince her to walk to the restaurant, citing the fresh air and sunshine, but now she's regretting it.

“I’m buying the mother of my child flowers.”

“Because?”

“Do I have to have a reason? Have you ever had a reason any of the times I’ve come home to flowers?”

“Well no, but…” But this is exactly what Kelley was afraid of, this discomforting feeling of someone doing things for her. “Linds, come on, I don’t need this.”

Lindsey takes her hand as she peruses the selection, but she can feel the tension coming from Kelley’s body. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“Nothing,” Kelley tries to pull her away from the storefront, but Lindsey doesn’t budge. Kelley lets out a long sigh. “I don’t need you to do things like this.”

“Why?”

“I just-”

“Kell,” Lindsey sets some lilies she’s picked up back into the water.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to do things for me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s what I do. For you.”

“You have a corner on that market?” Lindsey jokes.

“Well… kinda.”

“So I can’t buy the mother of my child flowers?”

“I take care of you, Linds, you don’t take care of me. That’s how this works,” Kelley says seriously.

“How this works?”

“It’s what makes this work.”

“What makes this work? You think that buying me flowers and cooking for me and giving me massages is why this works?”

“Maybe,” Kelley looks away uncomfortably.

“Kelley. Kell, look at me.” Lindsey waits until she raises her eyes. “This… us… we work because I love you and you love me. Not for what you do for me. And I’m allowed to take care of you, too. To treat you. To do nice things for you.”

“But-” Kelley’s protest is weaker this time.

“I like doing things for you. And maybe I should have more before now, but sometimes, you _do_ act like you have a corner on that market. You’re just gonna have to get used to it now,” Lindsey turns back to the flowers, eventually settling on white peonies, pink roses, and eucalyptus, then drags Kelley inside with her.

“Do you need a vase?” the man behind the counter asks.

“Nope. I have one at home. But I do need a card.” Before he can hand it to her to write in herself, she starts dictating to him. “To my amazing wife,”

His eyes dart up to Lindsey, and then he lowers his glasses on his nose as he looks at Kelley.

“What?” Lindsey leans over the counter, staring him down. “She’s my baby mama. I need to come home with flowers for my wife.” Kelley starts choking beside her, but Lindsey just pulls her closer, sliding her arm around the smaller woman’s waist. “Anyway… I need it to say ‘Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale.’ And then put an X at the bottom. Thank you!"

“You’re horrible, you know that?” Kelley grumbles as they leave the shop.

“Me?” Lindsey asks innocently, sputtering as she tries to hold back a laugh. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You coulda written that damn card yourself.”

“What fun would that be?”

“And you didn’t have to call me your baby mama and make him think that-”

“I was gonna call you my side piece, but I figured I wasn’t lying if I called you my baby mama,” Lindsey replies, unable to contain her giggle.

“Yeah but now he thinks that-”

“What do you care?” Lindsey tucks her arm through Kelley’s as they near their high rise.

“I care because that’s the place I get your flowers from all the time and I’ll have to find another florist now!”

“Or…” Lindsey suggests with a satisfied smirk, “you can let me be the one to surprise you with flowers for no reason for a while until he forgets. What do you think?”

“I think if you’re gonna do that, you should stop googling shit to write in a card and write me love notes from your heart.”

“You have no idea how long I spent googling last night after you fell asleep so I could find the perfect quote. I feel that’s just as good as coming up with something on my own. Why reinvent the wheel and all that.”

“Hardly,” Kelley rests her head on Lindsey’s shoulder as they enter the elevator. “I changed my name for you. The least you can do is stop plagiarizing.”

“Technically, you changed your name for him.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title is Tyler Shaw


End file.
